Dear Diary

Today was a rare day. It was one of those days that seemed to be completely normal, then BAM! All of a sudden my reality was altered. In summary, it was a normal night with my girlfriend. You know, exchanging dialogues about our day, cracking jokes while we beat the snot out of the other team in Overwatch. I was playing Bastion, and she was tanking with Orisa. It was near the end of a match and I decide to crack a little joke about an opponent’s username, “titfungus”. Then out of the blue, out of my girlfriends mouth bellows a heinous cackle that was ever so obviously fake. My heart is in shock. Then she let’s out another one without me saying a word. I turn to look for redemption and she’s staring at me with a huge grin. Then let’s out another atrociously foul chortle.

I couldn’t believe it. I had no words, so i head to regress into my thoughts. I thought on past times when I made her laugh.

“How many times have I used her as a gauge to carry on jokes to coworkers, friends, and family. Were they all also fake? How many times have I laughed at other people without finding the hilarity in a joke? Am I being honest with myself? What’s even the point of joking around really anyway?”

Smiling she asks, “What, you don’t like that? You don’t like my laugh?”

To myself I remain in my thoughts. All I could mutter out of my slightly cracked, but still somewhat lubricated lips was, “That’s not your real laugh”.

Still today I remain weary and scared to even hint at the hilarity of events that transpire in my life. It’s just not safe. I can’t handle attempting to bring joy in this world, just to fail or create a false sense of humor. It’s not worth it.